I wonder if I was meant to live a life of obscurity.
All my groping with purpose has left me with more torn altars at my feet than I can count.
A destiny. A calling. Love. A message. And yet I’m left with the unfamiliar more times than I can count. I wanted a message. I wanted power. I wanted light.
And here I am left in the gray.
Left like a wanderer in a desert with no way to know when the next drink might be.
Psalm 68:4 Sing to God, sing praises to his name; lift up a song to him who rides through the deserts; his name is the LORD; exult before him!
And yet I’ve drunk of Him. I’ve drunk of the One who says I’ll never thirst again.
But I feel quite parched.
lift up a song to him who rides through the deserts
Not in knowing Love. Not in knowing the message. But in my purpose.
Still. Again.
Lost to know when I will taste Him again.
lift up a song to him who rides through the deserts
When I will taste that which I had at first.
lift up a song to him who rides through the deserts
Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’ve left the love I had at first.
But what if you can’t believe the things you’ve experienced? What if you have to question the very nature of your sight?
Is this what its like to be blind?
To be maimed?
My phantom limb is hurting again.
Psalm 68:19 Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears us up; God is our salvation. Selah
To know goodness, to know life to the full and to have lost it.
That’s true pain.
who daily bears us up
To have tasted the heavenly gift.
Partaken in the Holy Spirit.
Received the goodness of His Word.
And fallen away?
who daily bears us up
Have I fallen away?
I know that’s what they would say.
Psalm 68: 18 You ascended on high, leading a host of captives in your train and receiving gifts among men, even among the rebellious, that the LORD God may dwell there.
But I fell long before the away.
I’ve learned to stand at an angle from the way my foot keeps slipping.
even among the rebellious, that the LORD God may dwell there.
Obscurity.
A messenger without a message? Or a messenger that isn’t strong enough for the weight of the message?
even among the rebellious, that the LORD God may dwell there.
I’ve seen more than I can make sense of.
I’ve tasted the delicacies and the putrid.
I’ve been burned and ablaze.
How I long for goodness to be on my lips again.
A message I can back.
But this smoke has me set back.
But I’m afraid of how my words will taste without the flavor of blue lightning on my breath.
They might taste worse than this death.
even among the rebellious, that the LORD God may dwell there.
